cawl me

So a while back, around Christmas time to be exact, I once again found myself surrounded by friends ( Lisa, Matt, Diana) and relatives (Janie) in a studio apartment in the Gold Coast ( R.I.P). A flurry of snow was falling outside and we lacked the desire to leave the confines of the 3 x 3 box that was Lisa's apartment. Boredom struck. We did what any reasonable person does when they have nothing better to do : Prank Calls.
Let me clarify before I go on any further though. Prank calls are absolutely not immature. There is nothing funnier in this world than witnessing an unsuspecting voice on the other end of the phone when they are faced with bizzarre situations. For example : calling a foreign 7-11 clerk and asking if they have anything to remove blood from fabric, any ducktape, and any large plastic bags, big enough to fit a human body. In highschool my friend Alon would call the parents of people he hated and have them give messages to their sons or daughters. Example: "Yo wuddup Mrs. Irwin....tell Christina that I got her dime bag of shit and that she owes me $40 bucks for this shit. Tell her it's nice and fluffy, not all mids like last time."
Another good one (compliments of Matt) is to call someone (my roomate, freshman year) and tell her that you are calling from the OBGYN and that her pregnancy test results are in , and yes she is in fact pregnant (true story. My roomate accepted the news stoically. Ummm.....).
Prank calls are a guranteed good time all around, granted the person on the other line is fun loving and enjoys talking with psychos. A perfect example of this takes us back to that cold, winter night. There we were, when one of us conceived the brilliant idea to call American Apparel. Because it was around 11 in Chicago we called an American Apparel in Santa Monica, CA instead. I was the one who was deemed fit for making the call. Ok heres how it went:
American Apparel guy: (said in studied nonchalance, sideswept hair and skinny physique are apparent in voice as well) American Apparel Santa Monica.
Me: Uhh hi, yes. yes, hi. Umm. I recieved a shirt from your store for Christmas and I think theres something wrong with it.
Guy: Uhh, whats wrong with the shirt?
Me: It's plain.
Guy: Umm....
Me: Most of my shirts have kittens and balls of yarn on them. I find it highly disturbing that this shirt has no adornments at all
Guy: Well you can bring the shirt into the store....and i can draw pictures on it...
Me: Do you have any shirts with pictures of snowglobes or clusters of holly berries? You see, I am looking for items to update my winter wardrobe...
Guy: Why dont you bring the shirt into the store and we can decide what to do with it?
Me: I cant. I cant leave my kitties at home alone.
Guy: you can bring them with in a basket.
.....anyways....at this point i realize that the guy sounds really hot and that i am slowly falling in love with him. I ask him what his name is and he says some bizzare Hindu sounding thing and the rest of the night is spent searching for him (in vain) on myspace.
I miss him.

Glerrrman

It's over....

I think I just accidentally ingested Windex.

I have been trying in vain to clean the windows at work and every time I attempt to do them, they just end up with more streaks and smudges.

I just ate a granola bar and i think i accidentally soaked it with Windex. But I'm kinda not so upset at the prospect of my imminent, chemical induced death. Lets be real, I'm sure Cheetos are far more toxic to my system than Windex...But really, the world is coming to an end anyways.
I'm reading an article in the newspaper about something called the "latte effect", which is how people are cutting out tiny purchases ( i.e. lattes) because of the rising costs of gas and necessities such as eggs, milk, and bread. This is SO depressing.
I am so upset. Why oh why do I have to live through such a hard time. I suppose every generation must endure some sort of hardship. My grandparents had the depression and the holocaust. My parents had the Vietnam war. I have high prices for foamy, caffeinated beverages.
It's just that life seems so bleak now. This must be a sign from G-d, just to me that I need to re-evalutate my life. It is wayyyy to based in materialism.
New plan of action for life:

• Move to enchanted forrest
• Live in oversized mushroom house
• Make friends with bears, elves, gnomes, and other creatures
• Eat only berries and roots ( killer diet, btw)
• Lose attachment to all things material (including facebook)
• Fashion cell phone out of pine cones and tree sap

What's left of me...

Can we talk about how often I blog? Like, thats pretty impressive. What's not so impressive is that the only two people who read this blog are Lisa and Janie...who happen to be the two people I live with...and probably the two people I spend the most time with...So blogging about events in my life, which they are generally involved in is kinda pointless....Maybe i should publicize this blerrggg a little more....

Goals of the Summer:

• Weight loss of at least 5 lbs. I want my mom to see me and to worry that I'm not eating enough. It's all about getting sympathy. ( Ideal weight pictured above)
• Tanning to a deep shade of copper. My mantra is " if I die tommorow of skin cancer, I'd rather die tan." I told this to someone once and they were obviously unimpressed. They proceeded to tell me how they almost died of skin cancer. Ermm...sorry?
• Become a better person. No more talking shit about people ( unless of course its the boys who throw those fucking Playhaus parties). It really doesn't make me feel good about myself or better me in any way. I've just been so used to it for so long that it's engrained in my very core. Must be strict with myself and not allow it to happen.
• Memorable moments need to be had. I need to have rendevous' with mysterious strangers, dates with celebrities, fabulous meals and champagne aboard yachts. My life needs to be akin to something seen in a movie. I refuse to settle for reality.

pichurrzz

My favorite fight ( an ode to Matt)

Matt and I have what you could call a tempestuous relationship.

I love him more than anything.
He makes me laugh.
He evokes my creativity.
He encourages me.
He gets me completely.
We are soul mates.
He is the most beautiful man I have ever met.
He is infinitley creative and talented.
He is nurturing and caring and warm.
I love him.
Our souls are two puzzle pieces that are perfectly linked together.

That being said, Matt and I also fight. Deep. Piercing. Painful. Horrible. Fights.

He knows exactly what to say to shatter me to pieces.
This may be because we are the same person.

My favorite fight ( of all of our gruesome, numerous fights) is when I was lamenting to Matt that I didn't know what I was going to do with my couch when I moved.
He launched into his theory that the only furniture I would ever need in life is a bed and a piano.
I dont play piano, Matt does.
I said " Ok so when I have people over, where do they sit?"
he says " why do you need to have people over? who would you even have over!?"
I said " I dont know, but lets say that people come over, they cant all sit on my bed. i dont like when people sit on my bed, because god knows where else they have been sitting and what infectious diseases are clinging to their pants."
he says "you dont need to have people over. you shouldnt have more than one friend anyways."
I say " why do i even need a piano? I don't play piano!"
Matt says " STOP ARGUING WITH ME. And its about time you learned to play piano."

And so on, and so on. and then I realize what we are bickering about and how I just wasted 15 minutes of my life on the most pointless subject in the history of subjects.
And now, I'm blergging about it.

Dietzzz

I have come to the realization recently that several members of my inner circle have extremely odd ( gross) eating habits.
Janie: My sister has sort of a garbage disposal mentality. She makes horrifying combinations that make the average persons stomach churn. Honestly, It's the stuff of horror movies. I will walk you through an average "Janie Korn" menu.

• Breakfast: Apple sauce with raisins and pretzel rods.
  
• Lunch: bread and pretzels. Perhaps a bit of dry cereal on the side. Another option is lettuce leaves with cold pasta sauce sprinkled with feta cheese and turkey.
• Dinner: cucumbers dipped in terriyaki sauce or wilted lettuce doused in a puddle of soy sauce ( "the soy sauce covers the taste of rot!") with raw white onions and more cucumbers

Janie also favors delicacies such as croutons, pickle and ketchup sandwiches, tuna fish juice, mustard sandwiches, sugar free popsicles, and bread salad.

Last Monday Janie made a giant tupperware container full of steamed vegetables to be eaten throughout the week. Yesterday I opened it and discovered it to be completely rotten and foul. The stench was unbearable and a thick layer of sludge lined the bottom of the container. My concern is that because of Janie's chronic stuffy noses and nasal problems that she would have continued to eat these veggies had I not intervened.

Lisa has a diet entirely comprised of foods that are either tan, beige, white, brown or orange.
Example: frosted wheat cereal, gnocchi with gorgonzola sauce, potato pancakes with sour cream, sun chips with corn salsa, french fries, ranch dressing, easy mac, fried rice, donuts, gyros, fried chicken wrap, diet coke.
I think the reason that this diet is noteworthy is that (except for the diet coke) everything is over 2,000 calories per square inch, yet Lisa remains beautifully skinny and waifish. I am so jealous.

Matt, like Janie is also a fan of mixing foods. He once managed to make a Giordanos deep dish pizza totally unappetizing. He ordered it with Jalapenos, artichokes and pineapple.

My mom used to eat at least 4 entire lemons per day.

Ellina eats the same chipotle chicken burrito 5 out of the 7 days of the week.

Despite all of their oddities, I am very thankful I have friends and relatives who stray from the norm. And truth be told, I know for a fact that my eating habits are considered disgusting (mainly by Lisa) who asked me yesterday why I was eating birdfood ( actually brown rice with lentils) and who can't seem to understand my need for always having the fridge stocked with hummus ( her mortal enemy).

Uh Oh....

On my way to work today I was considering the past four years of my life.
I realized that I haven't retained a single thing from my college education.
nothing.
I remember zilch.
This concerns me. And it's not even excessive drinking or drug use that has deleted all these memories.
I think it's truly from a lack of all around caring. I am and was totally apathetic to everything that I was taught in college.
First off, I thought ( and still do) that the college I went to was complete bullshit. As my roomate freshman year so aptly put it, "Columbia would accept a dog with a pouch of money around its neck". Needless to say, Columbia wasn't selective about the students it allowed to enter its thresholds. Most of my peers were complete idiots. My favorite example of this was in my managing human resources class. We had to present real world situations where poor management took its toll. My example is how at my former job my boss hired several new employees who were not a good fit with the company culture and current employees. Then this Pete Wentz looking bitch presents her example.
" Yeah so I went to the Maroon 5 concert last night and like, I dont think their new songs are as good as the songs from their last albums," she says whilst nervously twirling her product drenched faux black hair.
"I think it might be 'cuz they have a new drummer."
The teacher tells this bitch that this is an excellent example of poor management, which yes, it could be interpreted like that, but i think she was just sharing a story about her evening.
My eyeballs almost fell out of my eyes because I was rolling them so excessively.

One of my friends decided to keep a tally of how many times his teacher used the word "umm" or "you know". 136 tally marks later, he gave up when he had filled up the piece of paper he was using. This was a teacher people. They should be sure of themselves and not have to resort to filler words.

I mean, I can't blame all of my mental insufficiencies on Columbia. When it comes down to it, i really just didn't give a shit. I feel all life lesson and any business expertise I will need in life I can find on google.

Lyfe Lessonz...

Draped over my bed right now, staring out the window at Innjoy. I cant help but feel incredibly lucky. I have been so worried and anxious these past months about what I'm going to do, where I'm going to go and now I finally feel as if I'm on the track back to stability. I am living exactly where I wanted to live. Hello!!! Note to self: have more faith in the Universe.

ehh. We'll see how long that lasts...

Anyways. Updates. Living in new apartment. Janie is here all summer. Living with Lisa. I feel I need some testosterone in my life?

Everything in my room is covered in flowers. Is this a bad thing? Am I inadvertently pushing any masculine energy away? I mean, my room is sugar and spice and everything nice. I am laying on floral ( shabby chic, naturally) sheets....a floral lantern hangs overhead...to my right, panels of watercolor flowers are hung...

Went to Aldi today. It was amazing. Infinite possibilities. If Traders Joes=Forever 21, then Aldi=Rainbow. Multi-grain asiago chips for $1.99? Sure! Kiddie pool sized tubs of pastel ice cream for $5? What have i got to lose! The only bummer is the chance of being spotted with one of those Aldi plastic bags ( most commonly seen as a year-round accessory for Chicago's homeless).

Last week, when we were moving we pulled up next to a prostitute who was lounging on a bench at a bus stop. She was approx. 786 lbs. Her hair, resembling the fronds of an aloe vera plant, swirling all the way to her (massive) waist. Her fingernails looked like 10 bright pink yard sticks. Her lips, the size of 2 SUV tires appeared to be lined in coal and were glossed to a flattering shade of purple. Her breasts were two round planet sized orbs that could only have been obscured by the" shirt " she was wearing. The "shirt" was made of two curtains, each panel draped over its designated boob. The curtain rod served as her necklace. She was buttering her bosom with lotion when we spotted her.